Carte Blanche

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Does having problems give you carte blanche to be a jerk?

I used to have problems. Not problems anyone gave me but problems I created for myself, mostly through bad choices. I stayed too long in a job I hated. I dated all the wrong kinds of guys. I would let stress get the best of me. I dwelled on my shitty upbringing and used it as an excuse to be bitter. I had little patience, lashing out on people I found incompetent or annoying. I didn’t pay enough attention to my friends.  I wasn’t grateful enough. I said things I shouldn’t have. I was a jerk and the worst I felt the bigger the jerk I became.

Then one day I woke up from this nightmare that was my suboptimal, unhappy life and I decided I had to change. I had to start from scratch. I had to quit my job. I had to stop blaming my mother. I had to reduce my over-the-roof stress levels that left my thyroid depleted and my adrenal exhausted. I had to stop being angry. I had to start being nicer. And in order to do all that I had to start taking care of myself and start being happier.

The whole re-conversion took almost 2 years, then my dad died, and it all kind of came tumbling down, though this time I could sort of deal with it better because I knew myself better, but I still treated my boyfriend like shit more often than I should have and at some point I told myself, either break up with him and spare him the misery or just be nice to him. Because it’s not fair to him that I am taking out my misery on him.

You see having problems is not carte blanche to treat other people like shit. If you need to be alone for a while to sort your life out then do it. If you need to make big, drastic changes then do so. But stop using those around you as a punching bag. They don’t deserve it. At least admit it to yourself and start from there. Everybody has problems, even if you think your problems are bigger than everyone else’s and entitle you to lash out on everybody else. They don’t. You’re the jerk who ends up feeling bad for making them feel bad. I know I did.

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Published by The Bear That Moved

I am working on a book by the same title. Sometimes it is too hard to work on the book because of distractions or not being in the right mood. I never thought writing a book would be easy. After all I started twice in my 20s and here I am at 45, finally making some progress. So in the meantime, when I don't feel like writing the book, I will write a blog about things that move me, upset me, or stir some deep thought. No because I think anyone out there will read it, or care what I think, but because writing always makes me feel better. Some of my blogs (ok maybe most) will upset some people, probably because they are the literary outlet I use to deal with unfair and upsetting situations that may have been brought upon you or someone like you or something you believe in strongly. While it isn't my intention to upset anyone, hopefully my words will ignite some self-awareness and change. At the very least, they'll make me feel better.

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