Just a little drink..

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Something happened today that really left me feeling flustered and upset. I couldn’t shake it off, mostly because I knew I was at fault. I kept telling myself that recognition and ensuing apology are sufficient. But what can I say, I’m an oversensitive person (I think they call them HSPs these days – Hyper Sensitive Personality), and things just get to me.

I filled up the tub with hot water and plenty of lavender-scented bath salts and remembered the bottle of white wine my boyfriend and I had opened for dinner the night before. Hmmm, maybe I’ll just have a glass to take the edge off. I was this close, then I remembered a conversation I had with a friend a few days ago. If you are so upset that you feel the need to have a drink, then you should not be having a drink.

Don’t get me wrong. I hardly ever drink. Yes, I’ve been drunk and done and said stupid things while drunk, but that was years ago. Now I have a rare glass of wine or cider with dinner. Most nights I never drink. I do love champagne and prosecco so I’ll never say no to those, and they do make me tipsy. But this thing of craving a drink because you’re feeling slight off, or really off, that’s not really me.

I’ve suffered my fair share of emotional issues, depressive episodes, anxiety, stress, and incessant worrying, and if there is one thing I have learned is that you have to try work out your issues before you solicit any medication or substance to take the edge off or ease the pain or lessen the blow. Come on, I have a highly-functioning brain and about 40-plus years of life experience. If I screw up or something bad happens to me, I know I can work it out, somehow. So I sat in my tub for almost 2 hours, re-hatching things in my head, trying to find fateful, logical explanations for what happened, possible solutions, and a plan forward.

I realized as I always do that shit happens for a reason. Its always meant to teach us a lesson, its always meant to make us grow, its always meant to humble us, and its always meant to take us where we are meant to be. I don’t believe in denial or pretending nothing is ever my fault. I like to acknowledge where and how I messed up and how I can do better next time, how my current circumstance/mindset led to me to be in that unwanted situation, and how other people or events might have contributed. That’s that.

I had a small glass of wine later with my dinner. It didn’t totally take the edge off. Fucking up means we have to deal with the consequential suffering that is associated with it. Nobody is going to put a BandAid on our problems, and we shouldn’t either. I see alcohol as that BandAid.

By the way, my paternal grandfather was an alcoholic and died at a young age from complications related to his drinking. I never met him but heard he was a lovely man.

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Published by The Bear That Moved

I am working on a book by the same title. Sometimes it is too hard to work on the book because of distractions or not being in the right mood. I never thought writing a book would be easy. After all I started twice in my 20s and here I am at 45, finally making some progress. So in the meantime, when I don't feel like writing the book, I will write a blog about things that move me, upset me, or stir some deep thought. No because I think anyone out there will read it, or care what I think, but because writing always makes me feel better. Some of my blogs (ok maybe most) will upset some people, probably because they are the literary outlet I use to deal with unfair and upsetting situations that may have been brought upon you or someone like you or something you believe in strongly. While it isn't my intention to upset anyone, hopefully my words will ignite some self-awareness and change. At the very least, they'll make me feel better.

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