I wake up every morning ready to die. It’s cryptic but it’s true. When I leave the house I make sure my bed is made, the bathroom counter is clean, my dirty clothes are put away, and all the breakfast dishes are in the dishwasher. Why? Because I don’t want my siblings to have to deal with the mess. I am neither depressed nor want to die, quite the opposite, I am starting my day assuming it may be my last, so I will damn make the best of it!
There was a time when I wasn’t very happy. That might well have been 2/3rds of my life. I worried too much about what people thought of me, never took risks, was too scared to travel on my own or try new things like scuba diving or rock climbing. Then I turned 38 and had just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years, and assumed I would never get married or have kids. I had a choice to make: feel sorry for myself for being alone and fear that I may grow old and die alone, or make the most of my life and be happy. I didn’t quite know how to go about that, so as a scientist, I developed a strategy. I asked myself, if I had just been diagnosed with a terminal disease and had only 6 months left to live, what would I do?
Well, for one, I wouldn’t be scared of dying! I would travel and I would start doing the things I was wanted to but was always too scared to do. So I did. I joined a hiking group and went venturing in the Alps with people I didn’t know who didn’t speak my language, I started rock climbing in the mountains, I took a mountaineering course and started climbing some big peaks. I later learned to scuba dive, I eventually quit my job, I started my own business, I then sold everything I owned, and went travelling around the world, first on my own, and when I met my current boyfriend, I went with him.
A girl once defriended me from Facebook because she was angry about the way I lived my life. She told me ‘not all people have the luxury to quit their jobs and live the way you do.’ She was also a scientist, about my age, had a boyfriend, a great job, but decided to have kids, and so she had responsibilities, she had to work, she couldn’t (or thought she couldn’t) travel as much as she wanted to, and I am suspecting, gave up her freedom to pursue alternate dreams to mine. And so, as it often happens, people make choices about how they want to live their lives either to later regret them or hate the people whose choices seem better than theirs.
Over the years I came to discover that there are 5 Agreements to my own happiness, which are very closely related to the 4 Agreements below. 
But everyone should figure out what they need to be happy and come up with a list of their own ‘happiness agreements’. I will go through mine one by one. My first agreement is:
- Always accept the consequence of my choices; never blame anyone for my unhappiness; and always be a do-er. If there is a problem, or an obstacle, then I decided I better fix it instead of complain. There is a solution to everything in life except death. Even when we are ill, we can chose how to deal with our illness and what steps to take in order to get better.
I used to make a lot of money and I used to own a lot of things (I still own a lot of shoes, a reasonable amount of clothes, and a lot of sports equipment). So I am not saying you need to not own anything in order to be happy. But there came a time when I realised ‘I have a lot of things, and none of these things are making me happy’. I mean, I enjoyed wearing nice clothes, sitting in my beautiful, designer apartment, and driving my Audi through smooth mountain roads in the Alps, but I had a yearning to have something money couldn’t buy, and that was freedom and adventure. Obviously, to travel you need money, so I made a choice to sell everything and use all that money to travel. Do I miss having a beautiful home? Hell yes! Do I miss my Audi when I am trying to pass a slow bloke on the narrow canyon road where I now live, but I can’t because I have a Toyota that weighs more and has less horsepower? Hell yes! But I also realise that to be free and have a savings account that allows me to travel and explore other interests means not having nice furniture or a fast car, and thus, learning to accept that life is a compromise, and that you have to choose what is most important, allows you to make the best choices for your own happiness.
I used to be tormented about what people thought of me. The ‘niceness’ genes don’t run in my family. We are abrupt, direct, no bull-shit or decorum kind of people (unless we really really try). When as a woman, you are not sweet, submissive or agreeable, but in turn strong-minded, impatient, and direct, you are not taken too kindly. It took me a long time to accept that that’s just who I am, and even though it’s my continuing personal challenge to try to be kind, understanding, patient, and tolerant, I am not always going to succeed and that’s totally fine. People can either deal with it or walk away. In the end you have to be at peace with who you are, because if you don’t like yourself, how can you expect others to?
So my second agreement is:
2. Don’t worry about what other people think of you. People may want nothing to do with you either because they don’t like you or because they are jealous of you. Strong people tend to be intimidating and that has more to do with them than with you. Be kind to yourself and while always striving to be a better person, accept yourself for who you are.
I have always struggled to find a sense of purpose. My dad wanted me to be a writer but I chose to become a scientist instead, because I felt it was the safer choice financially. Being a scientist has allowed me to live and work all over Europe and earn a very good salary, which, in turn, allowed me to buy nice things and travel to some amazing places. Not all scientists are rich but I chose a line of work that paid better than a career in academia. No, I didn’t sell my soul to the devil, I worked for pharmaceutical companies and non-profit agencies in countries where there is a high standard of living, and I worked hard to develop drugs to fight Parkinson’s disease, dementia, and malaria among others. It was noble work, it was challenging, and it happened to pay well too. What did I give up? For one, I didn’t publish as much as academic scientists and I knew I’d never win a Nobel Prize, but that was the choice I made, because I thought, for me, at the time, being well paid and being able to live and work in Europe, experience new cultures, and travel all over the world was more important than becoming famous.
But there came a point where I didn’t enjoy what I did anymore, or perhaps, I found the entities where I worked either did not value my work or treat their employees fairly. After having worked as a scientist for about 15 years I decided to leave and embark upon the great unknown. I haven’t worked for anyone in over 3 years and people often wonder what it is I do with my time (besides surf Facebook!).
Since quitting my job, I have: started my own business (twice), travelled to 15 countries, written a lot of blogs, given a lot of lectures, started a travel group, spent a lot of time with my family, especially my beautiful autistic niece, I have hiked well over 1000 miles, I have established a new network of friends, like-minded travellers, and potential business partners, made a new home for me and my boyfriend, but most importantly I have taken care of myself, which I didn’t do for many years. I have realized that being financially successful doesn’t always make you happy, and that you don’t need a lot of money if you chose to live simply. The more simply you live, the less money you need, and the less money you need, the less you have to ‘work’. Though many people work for themselves, to buy the things they want, to pay rent and feed themselves and their families, most work for others. After 15 years of working for other people, I decided that’s not what I want to do with my life. I want to either work for myself and make the money I need to live comfortably, and simply, or ‘donate’ my time to other people if I believe it will make a difference or make someone happy.
I have donated countless hours every month to bringing people together with common interests, I given lectures that took countless hours to prepare but for which I never charged, I have read a lot of news articles, know more about a lot of things I didn’t know before, I have spent a lot of time with my niece because I know it makes her happy, I’ve taken people’s dogs for long hikes without ever charging them, because I like their dogs and I know it makes them happy, I’ve cooked hundreds of meals for my boyfriend because I know it makes him happy. It’s become a nice habit, doing things for people, which they may never even notice, and expecting nothing in return (except maybe except a thank you!). It seems that in society, if we are not getting paid for it, our actions often go unnoticed or appear as meaningless. But to me, if I can make one person’s life better, if what I do brings happiness to a person or a dog, that makes me happy too. That’s not to say I will never work (for myself or anyone), but for now, this is what brings me joy. So the third agreement is:
3. Find your purpose, and while that purpose may change from day to day, month to month, or year to year, be proud of it and believe in it 100%. Not matter what anyone thinks.
A few years ago, while I was still working at my last company, I was very ill and kept going to see my doctor. I was stressed, depressed, was constantly bullied at work by my boss, I was killing myself on this project and nobody seemed to care or notice. My thyroid levels were totally out of whack, I kept losing weight, I needed anxiety pills to be able to sleep and would wake up at 4 am every morning with a panic attack. At the same time, the only thing that kept me going were all the sports I was doing and all the time I spent in the mountains, cycling, hiking, and climbing. My doctor tried to put me on antidepressants and I refused, I told him nature and exercise were my therapy. Being the practical Swiss man that he was he then told me to quit my job (and I eventually did). It took me 9 months before I started feeling normal again, and until this anxiety and malaise started to go away. So my 4th agreement became:
4. Avoid situations and people who bring you down or make you sick and put yourself in environments and do activities that make you happy and bring you peace.
I cannot stress enough how important it is for me (or anyone) to spend time outdoors and stay active. It is virtually impossible to hike in the mountains or the woods for an extended period of time and feel sad or depressed. The first 30 minutes your mind may wander to your worries or problems but I guarantee you that after a short while those disappear and only positive, constructive thoughts surface. There are many articles published on the benefits of eco-therapy. Here is a link to a useful online publication: http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/econature-therapy
Last but not least, my last agreement is perhaps the most important one for me because it is an area where I faltered most of my life. WORRYING. I used to worry about a lot of things. Even after I quit my job I spent well over 2 years worrying about the future. What if I never found a job again, what if I ran out of money, what if I could’t afford to eat or pay rent, what if I got sick etc etc. And while I often think of myself when I pass homeless people in street corners asking for money, I have decided the last thing I want to do with my precious life is worry. In life, things will happen whether you want them to or not. Yes you can make choices that will steer the course and outcome of your life, but I do believe there is something called luck or fate that often dictates what cards are handed to you. And those bad cards will sometimes be handed to you whether you want them or not. So my last agreement is:
5. Don’t worry. Live your life today knowing it may be the last good card you’ll ever get.
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